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Wednesday, December 31, 2014

31/12/2014 2346

受不了我而離開我的人。
除了對不起,還是對不起。因為我的自大、脾氣暴躁、說話不經大腦+尖酸刻薄,辛苦你們了,祝福你們。


依然還待在我身邊的人。
除了謝謝,還是謝謝。謝謝你們的包容,我會從離開了我的人學習珍惜你們。


周星星。
我還是很想你,或許今年最大的遺憾就是你的離去。我答應你會堅強的。


媽媽。
與你相處的時間越來越少,很抱歉我還是改不了語氣這個壞習慣,我會再加油的。


詹琇茵。
開心一點吧,做你愛做的。不要再花時間去想如何融入別人的圈子裡了,即使這輩子遇不到一個可以擁抱最真實的你的那一個也無所謂。因為,一個人也可以很快樂。

Saturday, December 6, 2014

one-sided attraction

只要不夠睡+生病+很多東西要去煩,心情自然而然就emo起來。

這個blog從幾年前的日常記事變成了現在的發洩站,覺得有點可悲。但是很多心情不好的時候在這裡一口氣吐了好多怨氣文,結果又到最後按下save沒要post出來,或許覺得寫出來也沒用因為沒人會了解;也或許覺得吐完出來心情稍微好一點了也no point要post出來,所以就擱置在我的draft,有空就回來再讀一讀,覺得沒什麼大不了的話就決定刪掉。

最近工作越來越忙碌,功課也越來越多,雖然很喜歡這樣充實的生活,可是太過忙碌沒時間休息就會覺得很累很frustrated,emo心情油然而生。難得昨晚可以抽空找個朋友出一出門聊一聊了各自的生活才發現,天啊我有多久沒這樣出去見朋友+聊天了?天啊I isolated myself too much.

在我們聊天的話題中我心血來潮似的提起了一位我失去了快要一年的朋友。沒什麼跟別人提起我和他之間的事,因為只要提起,可能就會崩潰,因為從來沒想過一段那麼微妙的關係,到最後竟然會是我最不想要的結果。這段關係微妙得很多人都覺得我們倆簡直是天生一對;微妙得自己幾乎每天都會在想He's the one;微妙得就連我媽也看得出我有多喜歡他。

可是事實證明,one-sided attraction是不夠的。即使你為他做了那麼多事情;為了他放棄了那麼多事情,到最後還是只能當個ultimate mega best friend. 這無所謂,心想只能呆在他身邊就足夠。But then again,在你很value一個人的時候,不代表他也那麼的去value你。你經常把他放第一,可是在他心中可能連第二第三第四也沒你的份兒。我記得每一次當我把這樣的想法告訴他時,他總會說:You think too much. You're different. 而我永遠都get不到他所謂的different. Different as in special? Does that mean I'm special to him? Or different as in nothing? You're different, I value others but not you, never. You're nothing to me.

終於,這種掙扎的心情換發成我的小姐脾氣,在他身上爆發了,而這將會是我這輩子最後悔的事情。

"I don't think you value me as much as I do to you. It's okay even I'm not your priority, but I just can't believe that I'm not even your option." 這是我給他最後一封短信,也是我們認識兩年裡通話/通信以來最後一句話。之後我們就不再說話,幾個月後又發現我已經不再在他的朋友列表裡,好吧。

發生這樣的事情讓我再次相信,你不能對你喜歡的人表白、甚至表達自己最真實的感受,因為這就代表你會失去。而我那一次也只是跟他坦白一部分真實的感受,如果真的要完全坦白,我就真的要給他一記耳光+對著他大喊 "DO YOU HAVE ANY FUCKING IDEA THAT I LIKE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH YOU FUCKING FUCK????!!!!"; "DO YOU HAVE ANY FUCKING IDEA THAT I BROKE UP WITH A GUY WHO LOVED ME AS MUCH AS I DO TO YOU JUST BECAUSE I CAN'T FUCKING GET OVER YOU?"

不過想清楚一點,如果早知道我們這段關係會無疾而終,我就應該給他這一記耳光。反正到最後,我們都會歸零,倒不如毫無保留的對他坦白。

失去他這回事我並和什麼人提起,這樣的事情發生後我開始在朋友圈子裡沉寂了一段時間,別人約我我也想盡藉口拒絕;媽媽問起他的事情我也只能說“人家外國深造很忙,我們沒什麼聯絡了”這樣的答案敷衍掉去;很努力的讓自己忙碌起來,這也是one of the reason why我開始報讀了part time diploma課程,只想在這樣忙得沒辦法讓自己喘氣的情況下把他淡忘。

可是忘掉一個人,真的有那麼容易嗎?以一個典型巨蟹座的人,只要聽到那一首代表著我們的歌曲;走在街上突然嗅到和你用的一模一樣的香水味道;看到和你有著同樣髮型的陌生人;走過我們曾一起呆過的餐廳或咖啡館;看到你曾滔滔不絕向我推薦的樂團的CD;翻回我們曾一起去過的演唱會的票根;看回我們倆的自拍和聊天歷史甚至likes & comments,一整天的心情就會被ruin掉。

你永遠都是,我心中的那根刺。

"Great to meet you, you have a great smile..."

"You're a part of my life."

"We are getting married right?"

"Don't want sad sad la, sek you back <3"

"And I want you to be my bride <3"

"But the main point is i'll never forget you <3"

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

She was too quiet, or she was too loud. 
She took things too seriously, or not seriously at all. 
She was too sensitive, or too cold-hearted. 
She hated with every fiber of her being, or loved with every piece of her heart. 
There was no in-between for her. 
It was either all or nothing. 
She wanted everything but settled for nothing.


Reminder to self

Health:


  • Drink plenty of water.
  • Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
  • Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
  • Live with the 3 E’s - Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy
  • Play more games.
  • Read more books than you did in 2012.
  • Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
  • Sleep for 7 hours.
  • Take a 10-30 minutes walk daily. And while you walk, smile.


Personality:


  • Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
  • Don’t have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
  • Don’t over do. Keep your limits.
  • Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
  • Don’t waste your precious energy on gossip.
  • Dream more while you are awake.
  • Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
  • Forget issues of the past. Don’t remind your partner with his/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
  • Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don’t hate others.
  • Make peace with your past so it won’t spoil the present.
  • No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
  • Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
  • Smile and laugh more.
  • You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.


Society:


  • Call your family often.
  • Each day give something good to others.
  • Forgive everyone for everything.
  • Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.
  • Try to make at least three people smile each day.
  • What other people think of you is none of your business.
  • Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.


Life:


  • Do the right thing!
  • Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
  • However good or bad a situation is, it will change. 
  • No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
  • The best is yet to come.
  • Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.

Sunday, October 5, 2014

The list of things I learned before turning 22, pt.1.

1) A boy telling you you’re pretty won’t make you see the beauty in the fullness of your cheeks, in redness of your lips at 2 in the morning when tequila is making the bar bathroom spin. He can’t take away the ugliness that you see in yourself, you have to do that.

2) You have to be ready to hear someone say they love you. You have to be ready, and you have to be willing, and you have to listen. Because sometimes, they won’t say those three words, they’ll put a blanket over you while you’re watching a movie, they’ll kiss your cheek when they think you’re asleep, they’ll smile when they see you first thing in the morning. But you, you have to be willing to see it, feel it, let it in. Letting someone love you takes practice.

3) Don’t make compromises you can’t live with. Compromise is a different version of what you want, not a whole other Universe.

4) Learn to say no. No - to a movie you don’t want to watch; no - to sex you don’t want to have, no- to a relationship that’s driving you mad. Say no - to things that hurt you, to people that extinguish your fire, to jobs you hate and places that are desolate. There are bad things that we can’t control, bad things that happen and we are sucked into and have to feel with every fibre of our being, but the rest - learn to distance yourself, learn to say no.

5) Don’t expect people to walk through fire for you - not your parents, not your friends, not the person you’re in love with. Love doesn’t mean sacrifice, love shouldn’t mean sacrifice. Don’t expect someone to give away pieces of them, so they could fit you better. And don’t feel hurt when they refuse to - it’s self-preservation. Instead - learn from them. Do it as well.

6) Don’t tether yourself to people. Learn to make connections, to love, with both your feet steady on the ground. Learn to let people pass through your life; like a summer breeze, not a storm that’s just been unleashed.

7) Learn the difference between growth and growing up before it’s too late. Rooftops and water fights and ice cream for breakfast can be a part of your life at 10, 25, or 35. But by the time you’re 35 you need to learn to say enough, to be able to walk away, you need to be able to love yourself. Love yourself the way you loved yourself at 10, before the world had a chance to fill your head with ugliness.

Friday, September 12, 2014

— Dolly Alderton

“If they don’t reply to your texts — they’re not interested in you.

If they don’t call you — they’re not interested in you.

If they forget your birthday — they’re not interested in you.

If they’re hung up on their ex — they’re not interested in you.

If they’re obsessed with being single — they’re not interested in you.

If they don’t want to meet your friends — they’re not interested in you.

If they don’t want you to meet their friends — they’re not interested in you.

If they don’t ask questions about your life — they’re not interested in you.

If they don’t tell you things about their life — they’re not interested in you.

If they only speak to you when they want to have sex with you — they’re not interested in you.

If they only have sex with you when they’re drunk — they’re not interested in you.

If they say “should we just keep this between us?’ after you have sex with them — they’re not interested in you.

If they can always find a psychobabble rationale about who “I am” or “you are” or “we are” as reason why you can’t be together — they’re not interested in you.

If they have said for more than six months that they would like to be with you “BUT” — they’re not interested in you.

And if you still need convincing — think of it this way. Think of what the real day-to-day of life is taken up by. Life is birthday parties at terrible pubs. Life is losing your credit card and the annual Melbourne Cup sweepstake in the office. Life is hen’s nights, bucks’ nights, sitting on the phone for three hours to get U2 tickets and not getting them, the apartment upstairs flooding your house, interval training, calorie counting, cancer scares, illegal mini cabs, Secret Santa, rail replacement buses and Dido albums. Dogs die, cars crash, bin liners break, contracts end, curtain rails collapse, trains get delayed, football teams lose. Divorce happens and so do earthquakes and so does An Audience With Michael Bublé. Landlords put rent up, phones get stolen and the supermarket often completely runs out of hummus.

Now, taking all of the above into account — you look me dead in the eye and tell me the truth. Do you really have enough spare energy to pursue someone who isn’t interested in you? Do you really want to waste any more time on top of all of that? No. Me neither. So give it up, my friend. It’s a loser’s game. Delete their number. Don’t go on any more dates with them. Stop lurking their Facebook page. Feels good, doesn’t it?”

Monday, July 14, 2014

Don’t date a girl just because everyone else in the room can’t take their eyes off her,
or that black dress hugs her curves perfectly.
Date a girl who you think about while waiting for the subway.
Who makes you want your words to sound like some pretentious asshole
who sits at Starbucks all day with a laptop wrote them.
Date a girl who makes you think of stargazing in the summer and hot drinks in the winter.
Date a girl who makes certain moments of your life unforgettable.
Don’t date a girl who if after two weeks she “won’t give it up” to you.
Don’t date a girl who if after 6 months won’t give it up.
Date a girl who you will wait till the ends of the earth ‘til she’s ready,
a girl who you will gladly light the candles for.
Date a girl who you will do anything to get that smile that melts your heart.
Don’t date a girl who you’re dependent on.
Date a girl who makes you more dependent on yourself to be better.


— Clementine von Radics, “Mouthful of Forever”

I am not the first person you loved.
You are not the first person I looked at
with a mouthful of forevers. We
have both known loss like the sharp edges
of a knife. We have both lived with lips
more scar tissue than skin. Our love came
unannounced in the middle of the night.
Our love came when we’d given up
on asking love to come. I think
that has to be part
of its miracle.

This is how we heal.
I will kiss you like forgiveness. You
will hold me like I’m hope. Our arms
will bandage and we will press promises
between us like flowers in a book.
I will write sonnets to the salt of sweat
on your skin. I will write novels to the scar
of your nose. I will write a dictionary
of all the words I have used trying
to describe the way it feels to have finally,
finally found you.

And I will not be afraid
of your scars.

I know sometimes
it’s still hard to let me see you
in all your cracked perfection,
but please know:
whether it’s the days you burn
more brilliant than the sun
or the nights you collapse into my lap
your body broken into a thousand questions,
you are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
I will love you when you are a still day.
I will love you when you are a hurricane.


Sunday, June 15, 2014

-


It’s really strange to think think that
we’re all just background characters in other people’s lives,
someone they walk past while rushing to be somewhere
or bump into on their way to get coffee
and these people all have their own problems and insecurities and lives
and we’re not part of them.
I just think about that a lot.

Friday, June 13, 2014

Tan Jetty


You wanna know what living life to the fullest actually is? 
It’s waking up on a Monday morning with no complaints. 
It’s knowing you always deserve to laugh. 
It’s doing what feels right no matter what. 
It’s doing what you want to, no matter how stupid you look. 
It’s about being yourself, 
‘cause no one can tell you you’re doing it wrong.

Friday, June 6, 2014

— Keen Malasarte, "I never thought you would have such an effect"

See, when you meet someone
for the first time,
you don’t really imagine that they would
turn out to be someone important to you.
You don’t really assume that
when you first learn someone’s name
that after awhile you would begin to really
get to know them inside and out,
or how you begin to pick up their habits,
and start talking like them,
or finishing the food off their plates
you don’t really see these things
happening, when you first meet someone.
Without really expecting it, this someone
who was only just a stranger to you before,
can all of a sudden mean so much more,
can become someone so special,
and someone you can’t see yourself
living without.


Wednesday, May 28, 2014

I can never let go of anything.

I hold onto things that have hurt me for my whole life.
I hang on to things my sister said to me when I was 8 and I hold on to every wrong Angel has ever done against me.
I hold on to all of the times my mom didn’t believe how much I hurt.
I hold on to all of the times my family has teasingly called me fat.
I hold on to every mean word that has ever been said to me.
I hold on to every heart break.
I don’t know how to forgive, and I certainly don’t know how to forget.

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