I don't know what happened and I don't know how to explain it either. I loved you so much (and I still do), and could never get enough of you, and now that's done. That's gone, over with.
I miss the good morning and goodnight texts you would send me. I miss when you called me beautiful. I miss holding hands. I miss how we could talk all day, and not get bored. I miss how you said you'd never leave me. I miss when you actually cared. I miss us being together. I miss you.
I should have known this would happen, again*. I should have known I would let my wall down, and let you get closer and closer to me as I got closer to you. I should have known that you would end up leaving me. I should have known that we were too good to be true. I should have known that I would give my all and you would give nothing at all. I should have known this would end in heartbreak.
About my depression: It's not the kind of sadness to where you cry all the time, but more of like the sadness that overwhelms your entire body, leaving your heart aching and your stomach aching and your stomach empty, making you feel weak and tired. And yet you can't even sleep because the sadness is in your dreams too. It's almost a sadness you can't escape.
I knew I shouldn't have let my guard down. I knew I shouldn't have let you in. I knew I shouldn't have fallen for you. I knew I shouldn't have told you everything. I knew I shouldn't have trusted you. I knew I shouldn't have believed you. I knew this would happen. I knew it because it always happens. I'm the one that always get played, I'm the one that always gets hurt. I knew it, I knew this would happen.
I want someone I can go to. Someone I can tell my secrets to. Someone who won't judge me for the mistakes I've made, for the mistakes I'll continue to make. I want someone who understands. I want someone who hears, not just listens. I want someone who says goodnight to me, and prays to god they get the chance to say good morning. I want someone who knows my quirks. I want someone who wipes my tears away. I want someone who needs me. I want someone who loves me.
I hate being lonely. I'm not alone though, but I feel like I am. I can pretend all day, and then it just comes crashing down at night. All the memories, pain, betrayal, everything. Suicide seems like the only way out sometimes.
I actually hate feeling like this, but I can't help it. I'm always unhappy, always miserable, always pretending to be happy. I'm always pretending to laugh, or pretending to smile. I haven't smiled for real in a really long time. I hate that I'm like this, what happened to me? I just want to sleep, all of the time. I want to sleep so I don't have to think about this, or anything at all. I hate everything, I hate everyone.
I feel like I'm invisible, like I'm easily forgotten upon people I feel close to. It's easy for me to feel so small, even though I thought I would matter more. I'm nothing special, and someone like me can be easily replaced.
You mean the world to me, and you don't even realize it. If you did, and if you knew how I felt about you, you wouldn't treat me how you do. I'm constantly being hurt, constantly having my hopes set high, and having them crash. I'm constantly upset because you mean so much to me, and I mean so little to you, or even nothing to you.
My heart is hurt, and I don't know where I'm supposed to go from here. My feelings for you are not gone, they're still going strong. I want you back, but I know you don't feel the same. I want to go back to how we were, I want everything to go back to normal, I want everything to be perfect, I want to be happy. I want to be with you.
現在只看到你在聊天室亮起的頭像也是一種痛
以前很期待你主動過來和我聊天
現在想找你的勇氣也沒有
朋友說你很不負責任
我好討厭你
可是又好愛你 愛到放不下
可是你那很長很長、比兩個月前和我表白更長的信息卻成功的把我打發走了
我覺得我好沒用
我連要找你說清楚的勇氣都沒有
為什麼一開始就要和我在一起
你根本沒有為我們而奮鬥過 就放棄了這段關係
你說你不想因為自己而改變我
可是你不知道
我已經因為你而改變
我也會願意為了你改變自己
雖然聽起來很傻
可是在愛情裡頭誰不傻
我給你自由 可是我卻封閉了自己
我 愛得起 卻放不下
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